Dissociated PressConspiracy theorists have been proven right once again, as Representative Jeff Van Drew’s claim that an Iranian mothership was behind a rash of drone sightings has been confirmed by the CIA, FBI, NASA, Project Blue Beam, Project Jim Beam, and other government agencies.
Official confirmations of the Iranian space vessel’s identity followed the mothership’s landing in a backyard at 920 S. 5th St. in Camden, New Jersey, less than four miles from the Philadelphia Naval Shipyard where the 1943 Philadelphia Experiment permanently shattered the boundaries of space, time, and human reason.
According to internet sleuths, the backyard in question is a rundown house currently rented by 22-year-old Iranian immigrant Keshti Madar, a Mortuary Sciences major at West Chester University of Philadelphia. According to sources familiar with Madar’s social media profile, the unfortunate student had been living exclusively on Top Rameen noodles for nearly six months prior to his mother’s surprise arrival.
Following the ship’s amazing landing, an oval portal opened and Mrs. Mader slowly floated to the ground in a beam of blueish light, carrying grocery bags full of ingredients of the delicious and nutritious Iranian dishes she flew to America to cook for her undernourished, cadaverous son.
Since landing Thursday evening Mrs. Mader has prepared an impressive array of classic Persian dishes including Khoresht-e Ghormeh Sabzi (five-herb kidney bean stew), Baghali Polo ba Mahiche (broadbean rice with lamb shanks), Zereshk Polo (blueberry chicken), Shirazi Salad (featuring mega-minced cucumbers, onions, and tomatoes), and most importantly Khoresht-e Fesenjan (duck stew) in anticipation of Keshti’s eventual wedding.
Keshti’s neighbors, attracted by the delicious aromas wafting across the Camden slums, have been lining up for leftovers and expressing their fondest hopes that more Iranian motherships should land in Camden.
Reached by phone at Mar-a-Lago, Donald Trump said the mothership’s landing proves that Iranian culinary scientists are on the verge of building a food bomb that would blow away all other cuisines, especially American and Israeli ones. The president-elect also expressed support for Israel’s targeted assassination of Iranian chefs, and promised to obey Netanyahu’s orders to drop millions of Big Macs on Iran and “eliminate their culinary program and bomb them back to the fast food stone age.”